Streeter: The parenting advice more Black men need to hear

You’ve heard the maxim that you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can attend to anyone else? That can be applied to almost any situation in which your ability to take care of other people largely depends on first taking care of yourself, like parenting. This could look like therapy, a good walk, time to yourself or just asking for help.

Sadly, the myths of masculinity tell us that real men don’t ask for help, that they’re meant to slay dragons and build shelters with their bare hands, stoically and without complaint. And for Black men in a place like Baltimore, where there can be stricter edicts on the definition of masculinity for safety or cultural reasons, the expectations are even higher. But you cannot breathe when you’re suffocating. And you can’t parent that way either.

So this Father’s Day, I want to give a virtual hug to the Black dads out there, working hard to protect their families even as the world seems out to get them. You’re doing great. Take a load off, man.

Why am I focusing on Black fathers specifically? Because of the blatant lies told about them and their parenting. There’s a long-held stereotype that they are less involved than men of other races, despite studies from the Centers for Disease Control and other journals showing the opposite. Some random woman at a party once asked within a few minutes of meeting me if my father was involved in my life. It was wild that she seemed shocked that the answer was yes, but also that she felt comfortable asking this very personal question because that false belief was so ingrained.

Derek Stanton of Baltimore, a Marine Corps veteran, said that perception can be hard on men, especially in Baltimore, where so much seems against them. “The challenging thing about the city is that too many young fathers don’t believe that they’re expected to do well,” he said. “They’ve been beat down so much. Young men gotta know that you love them.”

Filling his own cup makes him feel like a better person and parent. “As much as I would like to think I can do this by myself, I can’t,” said Stanton, who finds time for walking, listening to audiobooks and “fixing stuff.”

Stanton’s stepdaughter, Kyra Harris, whom he has raised since she was 6 years old, said she could tell his parenting was enhanced by prioritizing his own health and well-being. “He allowed me to learn how to be selfish,” she said — and she means that in a good way that has influenced her own parenting. “It’s ‘I can’t give to you if I don’t have anything left,’” she said.

Like Stanton, Jeff Scruggs of Owings Mills also spent most of his life in a take-charge career. As a sergeant in the U.S. Capitol Police, he worked through some of the most harrowing recent events in our nation’s history, from 9/11 to the attacks on the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021.

He said he’s been able to deal with the mental and emotional demands of that job by joining a Masonic lodge with his son, Jeffrey, and taking part in a local Corvette Club. “I stay busy,” he said. “That seems counterintuitive to relaxing, but I do.”

To give men like their fathers another chance to unwind, Jeffrey Scruggs and Harris have organized a free event on June 26 called “Celebration of Men: The Kickback for Kings” to offer men an opportunity to hang out together with a DJ, cool cars and networking. “I just want them to take the weight off and just have fun,” Harris said.

Therapist Shinelle Oglesby, owner of Urban Trauma Counseling in Windsor Mill, said events like this — as well as the Father’s Stroller Walk, hosted by Baltimore Mayor Brandon Scott on Thursday, which spotlights Black fatherhood — are net positives for men. “They can show up and be their best selves when they can go and be in community with other men who validate them and get connection in a way that doesn’t feel self-depleting,” she said.

Therapy, another helpful tool in self-connection, is one that Black men don’t traditionally utilize because “that would require you to say that you had feelings other than anger, and that was not allowed,” Oglesby said. “You’re told ‘Don’t be a punk.’ Being a man means you are tough. To come to therapy and talk about your feelings? What does that mean?”

I’m a huge proponent of therapy and was pleased to hear that both Stanton and Jeff Scruggs have come to understand the importance of taking care of themselves that way — though initially neither was excited about the idea. Stanton was even ordered by the Marines to attend anger management.

“For the Marines to say you’re too angry, you know it’s bad. I said, ‘I don’t need that,’ and they said, ‘Yes you do,’” he said. “I thought it would be forced behavior modification, and I didn’t think there was any value in it. I realize my perception was wrong.”

Scruggs started therapy after the vicious assault on the Capitol. “It’s not what you would think,” he said. “It’s really about keeping things in perspective.”

I think perspective is the most important part of carving out pieces of peace for yourself as a parent. In a world that asks so much of Black men and gives them very little, I’m glad that men like Scruggs and Stanton are setting the example that sometimes you have to take a break from the dragon-slaying.

“I’m of the generation that doesn’t understand that we just need to chill,” Stanton said. “‘I wanna grind, go go go.’ I don’t want to put that into following generations. Sometimes, to chill is the only thing.”