This John Waters interview has been edited for readability — but perhaps not human decency

At 80 years old, John Waters is still the ideal dinner guest — incisively sharp, quick-witted and funny as hell.

The chic Baltimore native proved it again and again in a recent Zoom interview, calling from his summer home in Provincetown, Massachusetts.

The occasion was the Blu-ray releases of two of his movies — the 1977 dark comedy “Desperate Living” and his enduring 1988 musical “Hairspray” — on June 23 by the Criterion Collection, which publishes restorations of films it deems culturally important. The Criterion stamp of approval has become the gold standard among cinephiles.

“It’s like getting an award,” said Waters, who wrote and directed both films.

The cult multi-hyphenate lovingly known as the Pope of Trash doesn’t spend much time looking backward. He’s too busy, especially as of late: acting in the forthcoming “American Horror Story” season, performing on-stage birthday shows around the country and voicing the Persian cat Armando on friend Aubrey Plaza’s new animated series, “Kevin.”

But while there was plenty to discuss, I couldn’t pass up the chance to pick the delightfully peculiar brain of one of America’s most inimitable creatives. So yeah, I also asked as many random questions as I could fit into our 15-minute chat.

This interview has been edited and condensed for readability — but perhaps not human decency.

What was your reaction when Criterion approached you about these two films in particular? Did you think they’d go in a different direction?

I always ask my audience, which ones do you want? And those two were the ones that came out [on] top. But then I’d say, which one would you like more? And they would pick “Desperate Living.” I thought that it wouldn’t be so surprising they [Criterion] did “Hairspray.”

But I love that they did them at the same time — one of the grimmest films I made to, like, maybe one of the happiest.

What was it like returning to these films, and had it been a while since you had watched them?

It’s been a while since I’ve watched every movie [I’ve made]. The last thing I would do is come home and watch my movies. The only time I ever see them is if I have a show somewhere, and I have to do live commentary with them, which is kind of often.

So seeing it this time in the beautiful new restorations, it’s just amazing to me how they can make it look so much better, but at the same time, keep the original grain and what it looked like. They’re not trying to make it into something it never was.

What movie, book or performance of yours deserves a critical reappraisal?

“Cecil B. Demented” is one of my favorites. I don’t know, all my movies are the same, so it’s like having a child with learning disabilities — you root for the one that needs attention the most. And “Pecker” is my “nice” movie, but I really like “Pecker,” and I think it’s one of my most Baltimore stories.

I have a list of questions I’ve wanted to ask you, so I’m going to ping-pong around a bit topically. What’s your death row last meal?

My last meal would be a single leaf of arugula because you shit yourself when you die.

If there were a fire in one of your homes, what’s the one fashion item you’re grabbing to save?

Maybe a coat I have by Martin Margiela, I believe, that looks like it has fake cat hair all over it. When you wear it, people are like “John!” trying to pick it off. It’s so funny.

The Baltimore Museum of Art’s bathrooms are named in your honor, of course. Do you have a favorite piece of art in the BMA?

Certainly. When I was young, at the bookshop there, I bought a little print of a [Joan] Miró painting [1938’s “Summer”], and I took it home, and all the kids looked [and said] “Ugly! Why would you buy that?” So that gave me the power of contemporary art. And I still have that little print hanging. So it would definitely be the real version of that that they own.

I know you love Club Chuck, but I don’t think I’ve heard your go-to drink.

Well, it used to be martinis, and the days have changed. Now it’s just a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. But you’re right, the Club Charles is my favorite bar in the world, and it’s where I always go because it’s one-stop shopping. Anybody you want to meet will be there that you’d like to meet that’s in Baltimore.

Gin or vodka for the martini?

I used to have a Stoli martini, straight up. Then I switched to Belvedere for political reasons.

Who’s more cringey to you: Someone really into crypto or really into AI?

Well, AI, [if it] keeps thinking, can discover the cure for cancer, so I’m for that. What was the first one?

Someone really into cryptocurrency.

Oh, I don’t even know what that is, but I certainly don’t own any. Maybe I’m stupid but I have enough trouble figuring out the stock market, much less that.

What is your biggest travel pet peeve?

When you sit on an airplane [on the tarmac] and they don’t tell you the problem.

I’m gate lice. That’s what they call people like me. I’m the first on the plane and the first off. And before they even call first class, which luckily I’m in, I’m hovering before people in wheelchairs trying to get on because I want to be right there.

I like airlines that have first class. It’s always people that need special help first. But United [Airlines] lets in families and hundreds of other people before me. I always want families with unwanted children to come on, or draft dodgers when they let the military on. I kind of always want to do the opposite groups of people — people who still smoke can get on first and you can do it in the bathroom.

What’s the last music you fell in love with?

Probably Lana Del Rey. I always go for her. I think she’s a very hip Julie London.

What grosses you out?

The entire [Trump] administration, what’s going on in politics today. I carried a sign in the No Kings march in Provincetown that got a lot of play online. It just said “Trump ruined bad taste.” He even did that.

You’ve been a scene stealer on “Law and Order: SVU,” not once, but twice. What surprised you most working on that set?

Just how great she [Mariska Hargitay, who plays Olivia Benson] was — even though I’m always typecast as a pornographer, which I don’t mind. Nothing really surprised me. She was absolutely lovely to me and told me that her children loved “Hairspray” and how much it had brought the family together. She could not have been sweeter, and I was a huge, huge fan of [her mother] Jayne Mansfield my whole life. And I really loved the documentary she made about her mom. It was on my 10-best list.

What film would you give the Criterion stamp of approval?

All the “Final Destination” movies, I think, belong in a special art market ‘cause I think they’re so good.

Do you have a favorite one?

The last one was really good. And I was supposed to be in it and I had COVID and couldn’t do it.

You were a big hit on Las Culturistas recently. Any interest in going into podcasting?

Nope. Because I don’t give away my material for free. You gotta pay to come hear it.

Any summer beach read recommendations?

Try reading the novel [“A Void”] by Georges Perec. It’s a French novel, and he never uses the letter “e” in the entire novel. The best is it was translated in another language, and somebody had to do it. Think of that!

What’s a question you hope a reporter or a fan never asks you again?

I guess “Did Divine really eat dog shit [in ‘Pink Flamingos’]?” It’s a fair question. I did a whole thing where everything I said was a lie in my last show. And I said, no, it was AI early, and Divine was really an overweight woman that lived in Lutherville.

But no, I’m not sick of people asking me anything. But that question I have answered a million times. Recently, I had a good one: Somebody said, “What’s the last thing you said to Divine before he ate dog shit?” I thought a minute. I said, “Action!”

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to comment on?

A reporter in Baltimore said to me, “My dad told me he almost went home with you in a bar one night.” And I said tell him hi.

I hope it’s not for a long time, but one day someone at The Banner will have to write your obituary. What’s your message to that writer?

Well, which will go first, “Hairspray” or “Pink Flamingos?” And hopefully I’ll have done something after that, after today, that will unseat even those two.

Are there any details you’d be pissed if they left out?

I’ll be dead; it won’t matter. But yes, it will, ‘cause from beyond the grave, I’ll get revenge.